This post is inspired by a certain post on a friend's blog, and I think it appropriate to add a disclaimer here that this is purely my own views on the issue, something I've come to understand for myself over the years.

Appreciation is not a straightforward emotion. It is not a strong, direct feeling like anger, sadness or elation. It is nuanced. It is a mild thing that you express or feel when someone does something nice for you. But more often than not, we are also obliged to express our appreciation in regard to something someone thought it was nice to do for you.

The thing is, you can't truly feel appreciative of something that holds little or no value to you, even if the person who gave it to you feels otherwise. You can pretend to be thankful, but really, all you can be thankful for is the effort the person put in, believing you would like it.

When the value two people place on the same thing is different, the mismatch results in one party feeling bad to the other for not being truly appreciative, while the other becomes upset that the recipient has an obvious lack of regard for what he/she thinks is important.

If you really want to do something nice for someone, think about what that person places high value on, not what you place high value on. Putting that person's values above your own is a surer way to please him/her. And anyway, if you truly want to do something you think is nice for someone, then please refrain from expecting appreciation and just do it for the sake of doing it. I know how under-appreciated we all feel when something we do is disregarded, but I'm starting to learn how to expect things from people based on their values, not my own. Thinking from their perspectives helped to shape some of the choices I've made these past few months. It's not easy and it can be heartbreaking when it goes against the choices you might have made on your own free will, but if you care, if you really want to care for someone, then that person's feelings take priority over yours. Even if that means stopping or being less persistent about 'caring' for that person. (Of course this is a general statement and is not meant to be applied to every situation and aspect.)

It's not that you yourself doesn't matter. It's important to be true to yourself, but that's just exactly it: be true to yourself. Once it concerns another person, you can't just think of yourself. The world is full of complex beings who have their own set of value judgment. Show some toleration and spare some thought for their feelings. You would think people would do that for the ones they care about, but it's astounding just how many of these well-intentioned actions are actually well-intentioned towards themselves. I have to admit I'm guilty of that sometimes. Perhaps most of us are. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking you're doing something nice for someone (thereby warranting their appreciation) when you're just doing it because it makes you feel good (that you are doing something nice for that person).

I think I probably strayed a little bit. Bottom line is, for recipients of supposed well-intentioned gifts or actions, express your appreciation, even if it's just for the effort. Because you, too, have to take into account the giver's feelings. It's socially expected (and on social expectations, there're lots to talk about but it's for another day). For 'givers', think about how what you want to do would affect the intended recipient. Think about his/her values, not your own. It's like choosing a birthday present. You'd want to get something he/she would like, not what you would like.

I hope this post isn't misunderstood to be targeted. It's meant to be an expression of my own views for everyone else. You may not agree with some of my opinions, but if this strikes a chord within you, please do yourself a favour and reflect upon it to see whether, perhaps, what I say makes sense. If it doesn't, then oh well, nevermind.

All the best,

Labels: author: ji inn, life lessons, personal, thoughts out loud