Sorry for the slightly late post this week! It's recess week and I've been rather busy, what with an outing with Stella (will post about it soon!), project meetings and salsa camp.

I've been meaning, on various occasions, to talk about my insecurities regarding my physical appearance, but I just never took the time out to really think about it and frame my thoughts properly. Also, I guess I'm still kind of afraid of saying all this out loud in a public domain. After all, these are things I'm not confident about, so obviously I would be reluctant to share. But I guess if I really want to not mind it I would have to first not mind talking about it yes? So here goes~

I don't think I'm very unattractive. I don't think I'm pretty, but sometimes when I look in the mirror (without my specs on, hahaha), I'm not really unhappy with how I look. So that's alright. What I really mind, though, are my thighs and (lack of) chest. Number 1 would be thighs, because it's hard(er) to conceal, especially for people like me who prefer wearing skirts or shorts, so my legs would seem longer (I'm not tall). I've always been very envious of girls with long and slim legs, who look good in any type of bottoms. I don't fancy the super thin ones; just the average slim would be good enough. I get it that even those girls think they have fat thighs and some tell me I'm fine. But it's not like I can't compare and see for myself. I've considered liposuction (not very seriously -- ie, haven't done the research and all), but some things just keep bugging me.

1. I am very aware of how feeling so insecure about my physical appearance is shallow and a product of society (even if it's a very entrenched one and obviously guys are more attracted to good-looking girls). I know it shouldn't be something I should be ashamed of, especially since it's probably genetic (I'm not fat elsewhere, in my opinion), and I know if I could get past this barrier I'd be a lot happier. I'm worried about how really taking the plunge to undergo plastic surgery would be conceding defeat in my struggle to attain that elusive state at which I would not mind my imperfections. I'm afraid I'd be a failure, a weak creature in my own eyes, someone who succumbed to societal pressure. In recent years I've taken steps to try to better myself and become a more positive person, and I really don't wish to admit to myself that yes, I'm a very weak person after all.

2. If a person likes me romantically in spite of the way I look, then that would be someone worthier than anyone who'd like me after I've become slimmer and prettier. And I feel hypocritical about this because I'm attracted to good-looking guys too. If I'm only interested in such guys what gives me the right to have a good-looking guy who likes me in spite of how I look? And there are just way too many other thoughts about this that don't really have a time and place here.

3. You can't run from genetics. They will appear in your offspring sooner or later. I really don't want to have to explain myself to my daughter, and to have to try and convince her that yes, fat thighs and a small chest are okay and you shouldn't care about what other people think, when her mother herself went under the knife. I want to be able to tell her, look, it does not matter and it shouldn't dictate the way you lead your life, and heck those boys, the right one will come.

4. I'm not 100% sure I can't get rid of my thigh fat through exercise. I've never been a fan of exercise, though recently I've started getting more accustomed and accepting of the idea of it. (One day I'll talk about exercise - keep reminding me!) I've read somewhere that thigh fat is especially hard to reduce, though not impossible. And it has to be coupled with at least 4 or 5 times of cardio exercise (running, swimming, dancing etc) a week. My mum believes it's not really possible since it's genetic and all. I started some thigh exercises a couple of weeks back but I've been slacking off. And the cardio plan isn't working out either... my dance classes aren't as intensive as cardio would require. And I don't run enough. I think if I'm hardworking and persistent enough I just might succeed, so lipo is the easy way out. And I don't like the idea of easy-way-outs. 

Because of the above reasons, I don't think I want to undergo cosmetic surgery. Truth be told, there are good days, and there are bad days. Some days I feel all motivated and 'positive spirit-infused' and I start to believe one day I'll be free of my own shackles, while on particularly bad days I hate how I look and I detest even more how I feel so unhappy in my own skin. Now I think the struggle will always be there; I should consider it progress made if I manage to decrease the number of times and the intensity of those feelings when they surface. If on an average day I'm happy with how I look, I think I'll be fine.

I'm still struggling, and I'm still trying. Still trying to slim down, still fervently wishing I didn't care about slimming down. I wish society's definition of beauty wasn't defined this way, but then that's too much to wish for. I really admire people who truly feel confident (at least on most days) regardless of how they look or weigh, and I hope all girls can grow to feel that way someday.

All the best to my comrades out there. You're not alone. Be brave, be strong, and we'll conquer this.

Labels: author: ji inn, personal, themed entries, thoughts out loud