Dear _,

I'm sorry.

We've known each other since we were toddlers, and at one point I think both of us believed we'd last a lifetime. I'm sorry for screwing that up. It's a little mean to say this but I don't miss you as much as I should, maybe because those childhood memories didn't mean so much to me. Towards you the strongest emotion I feel is regret. It was a stupid thing that caused a rift, and my stubbornness and pride that refused to mend it. Truth be told, I believed I was above you. And you let me.

Perhaps our friendship was never meant to last. How could it, with one side dominating the other? Our dynamics might have changed, or it might have remained like that for many years to come. But we would never know, because whatever we had ended so abruptly and so cleanly I never heard from you for years and years.

Despite that, you cropped up in my mind once in a while to remind me of how stupid I was to have lost such a good friend as you. Even as kids (or maybe because we were kids), you supported me in whatever way possible. Every idea of mine was a good idea, including role-playing while we were supposed to be napping, clipping ourselves with hair clips and drawing on our hands to make tattoos, building forts using our sleeping bags and suffering in the stuffy space (not to mention getting scolded by the teachers). You mentioned that your mum wanted you to hang out more with me because I was a smart kid. I was so proud of that.

We've both since moved on, growing up and experiencing life without each other. I believe you were better off without me. Maybe we were both better off for it. You didn't have to grow up having someone induce inferiority complex in you, surpassing you in academic pursuits (which were most of what everyone at that age were concerned with) every time. I didn't get to develop superiority complex from it. I'd like to believe that now, that it all happened for a reason and that it was good things ended that way for us, so you didn't have to experience a poisonous influence during those important years. But I'm left wondering if things really would have turned out this way, or if I'm just finding excuses.

I'm sorry for the could-haves and the should-haves. Shopping trips. Giggling in fitting rooms. Late night talks. Dreaming about boys. Watching out for each other. Sniffling over the phone. Watching movies. Trying to study and then slip back to talking nonsense. Doing stupid things. Going on adventures. Overseas trips. Baking cakes and cookies. Or just being there for each other throughout these formative years. We've probably done all these with others; it's a pity we didn't get to do them together.

You found me again, and now we're friends on Facebook. Or more like acquaintances, because we'll never go back to what we were. We've lost too huge a chunk in between, a chunk that determined how our lives had turned out so far. Or you can call me a coward, for not daring to intrude upon your life now and face up to what I had done. I'm glad you cared enough for me to initiate contact again, but I'm worried our lives no longer have space for each other. You seem happy, and that's enough.

I know you've forgiven me, but this is something I still can't quite forgive myself for. I guess till then, we'll remain strangers, and ex-best friends.


Love,

Labels: author: ji inn, friends and friendships, reminiscence, sadness, themed entries