Dear D,

You never truly leave, do you? The other day, I dreamt of you, out of nowhere really. In the dream I was dialling your number, and upon waking up, I shockingly realised that even after all these years, things I thought I'd forgotten are still etched in my mind.

So I supposed it'd be fun to key your number onto my dialpad just to see if my subconscious had gotten it right. It had. The moment I punched in the numbers, I knew that it was correct because it felt so natural letting your number slip from my fingers. And being the curious little shit that I am, I decided I needed to know if you were still using this number. Cue stalker app Whatsapp. But I quickly made myself delete your contact before I do something careless or drunk like sending an unintended message.

Many times, I've entertained the idea of establishing contact again, just to check how you are doing. The thing is, I have no right to, because I was the one who initiated breaking us up in the first place. Furthermore, what point is there? You are not who you were six years ago and our friendship can never be the same again. Sometimes I want to know how you're doing and I miss you; but the truth is, I'm missing not you as who you are right now, but what we shared and what you meant to me. There is simply no point in reaching out to you again, and this is what hurts the most because why are we such strangers now? You used to be the best thing that ever happened to me. Yet you have become my only regret.

I regret making that silly suggestion that cut us up. I regret pushing you away when you tried to make things work again. I regret not trying harder for you. I never told you I was sorry for being such a brat. Maybe I should have and maybe we could have magically made up again. Now I can only beat myself up for creating an opportunity to let you go when it was never what I wanted. This experience taught me the greatest lesson of my life: to mean what I say and say what I mean; never play hard to get, never say no when you want yes, never speak of breakups easily. What a valuable lesson, I never had to lose someone this way again. But the cost of losing you still gets too much for me to bear, it's been weighing on me for six years and counting now.

Despite everything that I've said about regret, if I were to look at it from another point of view, I wouldn't trade this brokenness for anything else in the world. I miss your presence in my life more than anything, but sometimes I think your exit was necessary because you completely changed me and shaped me to become who I am today (and I kind of like who I am right now). Also, I wouldn't want my heart to be broken by anyone else but you. Just as how first kisses or virginities should be gifted to those who are worth it, I'm glad a piece of my heart was lost to you of all people.

Here is the best way to sum up all the feelings I have towards you: If I were offered only one wish, I would use it on you. Because I know I can control everything that's going on for me, but I've got no clue how I can make your life better than how I left it. So, I wish for your happiness every day of your life.

P > L + X (did, do, and always will),

Labels: author: madeleine, friends and friendships, life lessons, reminiscence, sadness, themed entries, thoughts out loud